The Death of Me

This is how I feel today.  And, also, probably how my guardian angel feels.  A lot.  Although lately I am beginning to doubt I have one.  Or, maybe, mine is taking a sabbatical.  Can I go, too????

This Mommy thing is wearing on me.  No one tells you that the little bundle of joy that opens your heart so wide will one day take great delight in plunging knives into it.  And twisting them.  Hard.  And often.  

The fear and self-doubt are almost as crushing as the slow, gradual, but certain loss of the bond you had when that beautiful creature came into your life.  Individuating is necessary, but when you suddenly realize that you have gone from super hero to arch-enemy, it takes your breath away.  It almost feels like the death of a loved one, knowing that bond is stretched to the breaking point.  And having to watch your child make all the wrong decisions is excruciating.

It's not at all like when they were toddlers and you could scoop them up and redirect them away from danger.

So, what do you do?  If you broach the subject, you are a demon.  If you allow them the personal freedom to do their own thing, you are uncaring.  Then the great mind-f*cking begins.  What did I do wrong?  Did I not show them enough love?  While trying to be firm about all the right things, did I go overboard?  While trying to be generous enough with personal freedom, have I sent the wrong message?  When I am beating my head against the wall trying to communicate, and I stop in utter fear for my sanity and my physical well-being, am I weak?

Not having had a nurturing parent, I doubt myself often.  Maybe I don't have a clue what I am doing and have done permanent harm.  Maybe I have been so busy trying to stabilize my life that I have become too self-involved, when at the time, I felt like I was just setting limits. And what if the child you love so has the genetic personality disorder(s) that caused you to leave their father because you gave him every chance (for years) and nothing changed.  I certainly would never "leave" my child.  But how do you deal?

The only thing I know how to do is try to remember this is not about ME, but about my child.  And try to see things from her perspective.  And hopefully figure out what the void is in her life that she uses to justify her behaviors.  Maybe, just maybe, it is only being a teenager.  And hormones....

The Return of Phoebe

I truly thought she was gone for good.  Served her purpose, moved on, or integrated with me, myself and I.

Phoebe is one of my guides.  She's the "oldest", having been with me since I was a very young child.  She came to help with sadness and she did a really great job holding onto that so I could be a "real" little girl and do little girl things.  She carried it all for me and helped me cry it all out when the hurts were too much.  She's the reason I am so strong, because she always held me up. 

Through my sometimes painful childhood.  Through the emotional devastation of my first marriage and divorce.  Through the mind-blowing pain of a second failed marriage and divorce.  I couldn't have carried on a normal life while handling all that without Phoebe.

But then I realized she had gone way overboard in order to keep me from being sad any more.  She wouldn't let me get too happy....always pointing out something negative about every situation. 

And so I banished her.  And she came back with a vengeance.  So then I had a nice long talk with her.  Thanked her for everything she's ever done for me.  And humbly asked her to take a back seat so I could drive for awhile.  And she did, like a good friend would.

But I think she snuck up on me again.  :(  I love her, but I wish she would get off my cloud for good.   Haha, clouds, again!